I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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