I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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