Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
