The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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