im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
