thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
