I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Someone shattered a urinal.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
