Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize