Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
