zippers are such a cool invention
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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