i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
