I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
