I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
