As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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