Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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