i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
