I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
