The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
