Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just had sex on a roof
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
