I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
