Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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