Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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