nut hugger
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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