She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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