i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
