some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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