We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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