i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
