My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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