went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
