paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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