you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
