I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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