i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
