Need sex. Gaining weight.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
