We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Boobs speak an international language.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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