i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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