Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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