U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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