i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
