Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
