No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
