my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Boobs speak an international language.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
