my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
