turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
