mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
