I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
