He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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