take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
