Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Farmville is her only friend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
