I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We left the knife in your bed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
