She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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