Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
