My hair reeks of homosexuality.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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