this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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