God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
