i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
