omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
