Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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