Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
